The Mind is a Terrible thing to Waste

So I started this thing about a year ago at my desk. I put up pictures of things I want to have in my life. I can't say exactly where I got this idea, considering I've read countless, self help, guruish, spiritual, existential readings, but the one thing that stands out in my mind about this is idea was when I was watching an interview with someone, (For some reason I think of Nicholas Cage, or Keanu Reeves, or maybe even John Travolta, or maybe Chris Rock, I don't know who the hell it was) Anyway, they were being interviewed and the person giving the interview said that he wanted to see the million dollar check, so the celebrity takes out his wallet and pulls out this check he wrote to himself when he first got into the business. (Now I remember, it was Jim Carey) The check was made out to himself for 1 Million dollars. When times were rough, he'd look at the the check and remind himself that one day he'd be able to cash that check. He then talked about the day he was paid 1 million dollars to make a movie. (It might have been the Mask) And as we all know, he's a giant success and can cash that check over and over again. From what I understand, he still carries this check in his wallet.

I've had a picture of a craftsman style home and a picture of a massage therapist giving a massage on a platform in the middle of the clear blue ocean since our office moved in March, 2004. I've got pictures of other stuff up at my desk too. Some wedding shots, picture of me Marching On Washington , a M.U.F.F. Postcard, a pretty good labeled drawing of the muscles on the back, my "I am Pro-Choice America" sign from NARAL, a Beastie Boys poster, pictures of Oscar the baby, a Staff listing for the San Francisco Superior court, and prayer card with a picture of our Lady of Guadalupe from St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC. But those two pictures, the house and the massage gig A.K.A my Dream home & dream job were put up specifically to help me focus on what I really want in my life. They are right at eye level with my computer and I see them every time I sit down to do work at my desk.

It occurred to me over the weekend, that these things are coming to fruition in my life. And since I'm actually noticing it, I'd like to give thanks to the goddess right now. Thanks.

You really can have whatever you want.

The only thing holding you from it is your own mind.

Kinda Trippy.

The wrong donut

My husband left this morning for tour. A 3 month world wide rock and roll tour. We've been together for over 10 years and I'm used to this type of scheduling, but it still sucks when he leaves. So, I'm a little down. But I figured, it's nothing a donut couldn't fix. The cure for all depression. I was actually looking for the ultimate in comfort morning food...a chocolate eclair. Filled with delicious custard. MMMM. I got downtown early today, and began my search. San Francisco leaves much to be desired in the way of donuts. I grew up on Dunkin Donuts. The most awesome donut in the land. I don't care what you say about those stinky krispy kremes (more on that in a minute) Dunkin Donuts rules. And with a cup of their coffee. Light and sweet. You just can't go wrong. But alas, no Dunkin Donuts in San Francisco or the bay area for that matter. I stopped at my Happy Donut place, but the donuts that looked like eclairs had no filling. So I take off. I'm walking along and I see a sign in front of the SF Soup Company with a picture of a boston creme donut (via krispy kreme....ick) but I was down and desparate. I couldn't get my clutches on an eclair so I paid A FREAKING DOLLAR for a regular sized filled donut. ( and might I add, the regular size Krispy Kreme donut is smaller than Dunkin Donuts and way more sugary) My hopes aren't super high at this point, but I figure, this donut, albeit smaller than the eclair, is pretty much the same as it is full of custard, covered with the chocolate frosting and looking like a smaller version of an eclair so my need for comfort will most likely be met. WRONGO! I should no better than to eat the Krispy Kreme donut. I already know I don't like them. The few I have had have NEVER MET MY SATISFACTION...but as I mentioned I was desparate. I got to my desk, turned on the computer, started checking my e-mail and took a bite of the donut. It was full of that white cream that used to fill the chocolate hostess cupcakes. I got a mouth full of what I thought would be custard but was instead..this white junk. Ugh. I was none to pleased. I ate it of course. (Fuck, the thing cost me a damn dollar.) But never...NEVER again will I eat the Krispy Kreme. I don't care how desparate or depressed I am. I'll do without...or satisfy my need for comfort with a good old fashioned cocktail and forget about it!

A small ray of hope.

A friend e-mailed me this article by Howard Zinn.

http://www.commondreams.org/views05/0210-28.htm

It helped.

(Sorry, can't click on it, you'll have to cut and paste. Still new to the blog deal)

(((Peace)))

What is the opposite of a kiss?

A kiss turned inside out
it's opposite - negative
dry style- unintentional
moving through the motions. How
empty, how lonely, the
opposite of a kiss of something
tender might leave scars on my
skin, my arms sheilding a
face in a protective mode against
the opposite of sharing and being
vulnerable. And this chill keeps rising
up my spine when I consider the
opposite of a kiss as it reflects the
political climate. cold. no embrace
and I'm terrified by the
snarling pointy teeth I see coming
at me. The opposite of a kiss.
Cold, again with the cold and bloody
teeth gnashing at the flesh of
democracy. Don't lean in toward me
Condi- with the poison, with the lies, with
the opposite of a kiss. Lies spilling out
over vacant stares..is there any soul in there?
The opposite of a kiss. Babies faces
squint and pout as pure eyes view the
opposition and have no
words to speak out about
innocence tainted before they have
a chance to live.
The opposite of a kiss
I imagine is very very cold.

(c) Feb 9, 2005
Guerilla poetry at La Pena

Just Stay Home Sickie

I came down with whatever hideousness that’s been going around the office. I was so sick that there were moments when I thought my head was going to explode right off my shoulders in a fevered splatter of brain matter and snot. This office is a freaking germ factory. I’ve been swabbing things down with Lysol wipes and using my hand sanitizer after each sneeze, hack and nose blow and still, the germs seem to be winning. People around here are dropping like flies whacked with a shot of raid mid flight. It’s crazy. I work in a building that doesn’t have any windows that open. That’s right, no fresh air. Just recycled germy air. Nice.

What’s really crazy though is that folks feel like they have to come to work. Even when they are sick. As soon as I feel sick, and it’s work day, I call in. Mostly because it pisses me off so much that other people don’t. I don’t want to be lumped into the category of folks who spread the germs all around. I truly believe that if people just stayed home at the very first sign of infection, it would decrease the spread of these germs. (oh yeah, and washing your damn hands!!) From all the stuff I’ve read, most colds and flu bugs are contagious the first few days of the cold. (actually, with colds, as long as you are showing symptoms, you are contagious, but if it’s the flu, you’re contagious the first 4 days or something…..but don’t take it from me…do the research yourself) By the time you really get kicked in the ass by the office bug dujour, (which is usually when you finally call in sick) it’s too late, you’ve already infected everyone else in the office. (cuz you coughed in your hand, which I totally appreciate as it is the polite thing to do, and then used the fax machine, or the copier or the printer or the handle to the bathroom with that same hand)

But just staying home isn’t that easy. I personally have some weird catholic work guilt complex. (and I’m not even catholic) that forces me into the office against my better judgment sometimes. Except when it comes to being sick. I also understand (as I used to be a temp) that sometimes you have to go to work sick. No work, no cash. Simple as that. Which is pretty fucked up. But on the other side of the coin, all you employers out there who won’t pay for insurance deserve to get infected with the same hideous flu virus the peons who serve you do. Bring down the whole ship!!! But that really punishes your coworkers who don’t have anything to do with the boss who won’t insure you. So if you can. Stay home. If you can’t stay home, be hyper vigilant about washing your hands after you cough, blow your nose, sneeze. I know, I know, that means you’ll be running to the bathroom every few seconds…but this is where a small bottle of hand sanitizer can come in handy.

Listen, I'm ranting like this because I just don’t want anyone to have whatever it was I just had (and kind of still have but not to the same hideous degree it was a few days ago). And yes, I’m back at work. Wielding my hand sanitizer for all the world to see. Actions speak louder than words.

(((Peace)))